Thursday, December 25, 2008


My dearest Corywnne,

Merry Christmas! It was quite a morning here. The ex was here for the festivities as he is each year, but this year Leggs was far more perturbed about it. He understands that it is best for the children that we do the "celebrate of the birth of the child that doesn't exist" together, or at least he says he does. His actions do not bare that out.

The ex goes into the kitchen to refill his coffee and Leggs is right there behind him, I opted to stay in the living room. So Leggs begins yelling out each thing he touches.

"He's opening the silverware drawer!"
"Now he is messing with the glasses!!"
"He's washing the french press, and you just know he won't empty the sink catch!!!"

He was right of course, but I hardly think it was worthy of a running commentary...unless it included Dom and Billy...cause then I am sure it would have been amusing.

Anyway, the children were very pleased with their gifts from "the red-suited pipe smoking man who doesn't exist", and are off to spend the weekend with their father. I am off for a nap before the settlements first annual (gods help me)red-suited man party. I wish the would consult me, even when they are trying to surprise me.

Hope you are enjoying North Carolina and the new baby.

Your affectionate friend,

Monday, December 15, 2008

Fa la la la la

My Dearest Kendrah,

The King and were both terribly shocked and concerned to hear about Cam. I was glad to see his post on the Pennsic group. He seems to be in good spirits and we hope, well on his way to recovery. The King does not seem to have the same issues Leggs does when dealing with human illness. Quite the opposite. He usually launches into a melancholy speech about the frailty of Men and how much better things were in Numenor of Old. I tell him that's what happens when your mythic ancestors start worshippping the Dark Lord and then he gets kinda cranky. He consoles himself with a pipe (no egg or pickle), a glass of good scotch and some lament singing. Lament singing always cheers him up!!

In other news, you probably know by now that my brother's wife had her baby! The King feels we should consult a wizard on her destiny because of all the 11s and 7s at her birth, December 11, 11:07 am, 7 lbs, 7 oz. He finds it most strange that she is named for my mother and was born on my mother's birthday, 11 years after my mother passed away. He is certain this is an auspicious birth and is trying to get her on the waiting list for the famed Imladris PreSchool program. (apparently the list is VERY long.) He can't wait to meet her! Unfortunately, I don't know if my brother's wife is aware of our relationship. I suggested that he give me a day or two to get her comfortable with the idea of a non-reality brother-in-law before he pops in, arms laden with Yule gifts and siging Elvish lullabyes. He was a little miffed that I hadn't shared our relationship with my new sister-in-law, but I explained that they live in a far away land called North Carolina and that I have not met her yet myself. He agreed that informing one's family about an non-reality boyfriend (especially a royal one) is something that is best done face to face.

In other news, I'm busily shopping and preparing for the North Carolina trip. I think my shopping is finally complete, now all that's left is wrapping. I'm hoping the King will stick around and amuse the cats with bits of tinsel and jolly games of Trip the Ranger Down the basement stairs so I can rustle wrapping paper without fear, but you know how unhelpful he can be when there's work to be done. Still, it's shaping up to be a productive evening.

The Kings snuck off to do his Yule shopping on Saturday while Deana and I slaved away at cookie baking. Deana added a new treat to the cookie marathon this year...chocolate covered oreos! They are delightful! I let the King eat the broken ones, cuz that's the kind of sweetie I am :-)

We are very much looking forward to visiting with you and the Sons this holiday and hope to see Tom and Bill as well. We can make more concrete plans (as "concrete" as our "plans" ever are!) closer to your arrival.

Well, I must begin the wrapping...the sooner begun, the sooner done, or something like that. Perhaps I should get Bilbo to invent a new Old Saying for situations of this type. I do hope your cold is better and you are not too snowbound!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Monday, November 24, 2008

Call a Cambulance

My Dearest Corwynne,

I am again flummoxed by the lack of understanding that Leggs has gained over the past six years. Six years!!!!! He was here when the great and powerful Amron was temporarily felled by a heart attack and yet, when Cam suffered the same malady on Thursday night he was still in complete shock. Don’t get me wrong, I too was shocked that yet another of our strong tent raising men would be victim to this, but we are but human, so I have to say he was far more shocked and not a little bit confused.

Leggs was here when my father came and told me how the events unfolded, the details I will now tell you as Leggs heard them in his head.

Amron, “Cam had a heart attack last night.”
Leggs’ head, “These humans make no sense, why is it one organ can have attacks and the others do not. I have watched many hours of the palantir box and never has any one arrived at hospital with a lung attack. Or a bone attack, or a spleen attack, or….(this went on for a while, I will spare you)

Amron, “The ambulance had trouble getting out of the driveway, because of all the snow.”
Leggs’ head, “What!? How is that snow can impede this Bulance of Cam? It should just ride upon the snow like I do.”

Amron, “They put a stint in one of his arteries and he should be fine.”
Leggs’ head, “Into his heart!? Fools, that is the one place you do not want to pierce above all others!” Moment of thought, “Unless this stint is like love, which may safely be placed in the heart….it must be this.”

Does the King still have this sort of difficulty? I realize that they are immortal or at least nearly immortal, but does it then follow that they can have no concept of the frailty of humans….they have fought with humans, they have drunk with humans, and now have both spent six years in close relationships with humans. Am I asking too much that when one of our number is ill, that I get a chance to think about what I can do to help them rather than trying to explain again and again about human anatomy and life expectancy, and that yes, even the Cam-Ron is, despite their Numenorian like strength, human?

Anyway, that is what I have been dealing with since the incident on Thursday. I hope that the King took the news better than Leggs and you got to spend you time sending out good vibes or something else equally druid-like.

I know that I shouldn't be complaining. Leggs is showing his concern in the only way he knows how, which is kind of sweet when it isn't really annoying. And most important of all, Cam is doing well. So, in the end, we will have to pretend that I am not complaining about anything, that I am, instead, simply sharing the story with you as it unfolded.

Your affectionate friend,

PS. Grapes of Wrath---the opera---please tell me you are joking…and if you are not, that you have not gotten tickets for the King. His retelling and resigning of Animal Farm has just ended!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

That Time of Year

My Dearest Kendrah,

It's that time of year again....the BIG MUSICAL time of year. I've been swamped the past few weeks selling tickets to "Into the Woods." In fact, we sold out the entire run as of yesterday. Now it's dealing with the disappointment of the Sondheim-loving masses who can't get in to see it. In any case, it's a long show and I've been working like twelve hours a day and neglecting the King terribly. Fortunately, he and Faramir have departed for a long-weekend hunting and fishing trip that should keep him form moping about the citadel. He gets so crabby when I'm stuck at work and he can't figure out how to turn on the DVD player! The King has promised to be home on Sunday with fresh venison. Whee! Perhaps you and Leggs could join us for a barbecue...though poor Faramir is still a bit sensitive about bonfires.

I'm glad Leggs is taking an active interest in real-world politics. It's adorable! I love when he gets all excited about a project and just throws himself into it willy-nilly!! (I just described an Elf as willy-nilly! I'm gonna pay for that later) The King seems quite pleased with the way things turned out. He's thinks that a young, forward-thinking president who reads Harry Potter might be more willing to enter into trade agreements with imaginary worlds than the previous administrations. I told him not to get his hopes up.

Remember back when we did a musical production of "Animal Farm"? Apparently there is an opera version of "The Grapes of Wrath." I mean, ok, opera is bit different than musical theater, but really? Singing in the Dust Bowl? What are people thinking!

Let's see...what other news...I'm petting Diedre on a regular basis now. The King can't understand why this is such a big deal. Seems the two of them have quite the fantasy life without me, just like he and Robinson. Honestly...sometimes my pets get to spend more time with my imaginary boyfriend than I do!!

All righty, I need to get some work done. I hope all is well with you. If I can make it through this weekend I'll be great! I'm planning to take all of next week off work and spend quality time in the White City teaching Eowyn how to stuff a turkey!

You're Affectionate Friend,

PS-the delighted to hear that David Tennant is vacating the TARDIS. There's been more than a little gloating. I try not to let him see my heart ache!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

It sounds like the beginning of a joke...

My Dearest Corwynne,

Last night Leggs and I were watching the election coverage. Figuring there were hours left before it would be called I figured it would be safe to flip to Comedy Central, which is what we were watching when the announcement came. Luckily, for me, the comedy didn't end there.

Of course we were very happy with the outcome. Leggs had been re-reading the Handmaid's Tale in preparation for another republican win, so I am sure you can imagine our relief. Anyway, shortly after the announcement there was a bit about who would be running in 2012, at which point Leggs suggested that you and I should take a stab at it. Once I realized he wasn't joking, it just got funnier.

He began citing our foreign relations experience, with the taming of the orcs and the trade agreements with the Easterlings. Then on to our executive experience....your re-orginization of the White City, my experience in building an integrated community from the ground up. Then he got very serious and said that he hoped I would not be offended by the fact that he thought it would be best if you were the top of the ticket instead of me.

I assured him that I was not offended and that he would be correct. Your imaginary executive experience is far more extensive than mine. I couldn't help but laugh, he was so very sincere. But you know that my policy in dealing with imaginaries is to always tell them the truth in the hope that they could one day full intergrate into reality...a fruitless hope in Leggs case, I fear.

So I tried. I reminded him of the Obama/Aryes connection. That our connections, and in many ways, the fact that we are who we are would not be appealing to the voters. Not only is my best friend a druid, but also my running mate...not going to fly. I reminded him how Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain did lots of campaigning...I don't think many people would show up for campaign events where the speaker doesn't actually exsist.

Then I explained that even if we could get the voters to accept these things as normal, I doubted that these writing which, as it turns out, are very easy to find would be printed in newspapers as a testament to our deep seeded psychosis. I tried to explain, that even when people that I know discover these writings my heart pounds in terror that they will not see this as two women with healthy imaginations and extra time on there hands.

By the end of the night I thought I had gotten through to him. He went back to the settlement and I went to bed. This morning, however, I discovered that his plan will not be foiled by logic or facts. I came into my living room to discover that while in the settlement, he had gotten everyone together to start making campaign signs.

I think I will wait a few days before I tackle the point that "S&M in '12" is only going to appeal to a small portion of the voting public. I just don't have the strength today.

Your affectionate friend,

PS. A druid and an atheist enter an election....

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Election and Memory

My Dearest Kendrah,

Well, the King is not dealing very well with this election. First he was VERY confused that no one’s son was running. I thought I had managed to clarify all that for him eight years ago, but apparently he did not retain my careful explanation of the democratic process vs, divine right monarchy.

He’s been glued to CNN all evening trying to make sense of the projections and is eagerly counting down the poll closings, though he doesn’t quite have the hang of the whole multiple time zone thing. He’s not at all convinced that it is really technology and not evil sorcery that is getting the info to us so quickly. You know how he mistrusts the palantir boxes and the little people who live in them. I caught him trying to give McCain a beer earlier…fortunately I stopped him before he poured it on the TV!

I’ve been trying to distract him all evening with Pennsic memories. Like how adorable the kids looked all dressed up in their pirate gear. And how Elven and very serious Arwen was when she went shooting for the first time. He reminisced about the wine tasting and how it was the best one ever! No one got too drunk, there was lots of singing, good shopping afterwards…he even reminded me that I need to actually learn how the verses to “Barrett’s Privateers” go so I don’t have to fake it again. We talked about the food, the yogurt and granola mornings, the beneficent magic of the coffee pot, taco night, Rook smelling like onions after making the soup, the tasty Brussels sprouts. He laughed at the memory of Friar Sam, Rook and Gardner with axes making wood chips and how much fun he had with Amron and Cam commentating on their progress. We smiled at how much music was made and beer was drunk and how good the weather was and how many knights he killed in the field battle. I reminded him how much fun we all had at the Wolgemut concert when he did the Polar Bear Dance and how much your youngest son enjoyed the band.

Sadly, these happy memories distract him only briefly and then he is back to fretting about the election. He once again assured me that if things go badly I could take up permanent residence in the White City and we would never have to worry about reality again, though he would miss the indoor plumbing and central heating. Like Fangorn, we will not be hasty, as it would be a major life style change for both of us, but I’m keeping my options open.

I should go back to the living room. I hear him with the remote flipping back and forth rapidly between CNN, MSN and Fox. And the PA polls will have closed by now. I’d like to check in and see how we’re doing. If he gets too tense, maybe I can get him to help with some cleaning. Having our Samhain this late after all the other Samhains I’ve been through already is taking its toll on my desire to clean, cook or do anything other than drink beer and watch the palantir box. Somehow, I think the threat of housework will keep his nerves to the minimum.

Take care! I look forward to hearing about your trip.

Your Affectionate Friend,

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Return of the Kinslayer

My Dearest Corwynne,

My goodness, you have been busy lately. Mithrandir mentioned to me that he thought we were "dropping the palantir" a bit with our writings. But I think he was satisfied when I pointed out that the scholars who will be studying our writings have yet to be born, and therefore we would get it done when we could. Hopefully that will keep him off our backs for a while.

I have been wondering if you have managed to keep the upcoming elections out of the eye of the King this time around. I know how upset he gets when the "wrong" person wins, and even though that looks less likely this time, I was wondering if you were letting him have access to the process this time or if you were just going to fill him in after the fact.

I had hoped to keep the election coverage away from Leggs, but sadly I did not succeed. Even though he had not been born at the time of the kinslayings, he is quiet certain that a female vice presidential candidate I will not name is the leader of a small sect of kinslayers who disappeared into our reality when after the slayings received less than stellar reviews. I have asked him several times for more information on this sect of kinslayers, since I have never heard of them, but he just says that the grief is still too near and goes of to lament. You know, his usual cop out.

So I think it is safe to say that Leggs is not a fan of at least half of the republican ticket and I am sure he will be sharing his views with the King soon, so if you have been keeping him away from the election, you may want to also keep him away from Leggs...

In other news, I am off to visit the Loud One for the weekend. We will be attending their famous Samhain event and with the wickerman (will it have firecrackers or not?!?!) and the more famous pig head, I am sure to have much to report. Leggs has opted not to go with me, he is going to stalk the GOP ticket at their rallys this weekend....thank the Valar that they won't be able to see him with his arrows aimed directly at her...cause I don't think Elves fair to well in Gitmo.

Your affectionate friend,

Monday, October 20, 2008

Work, Witches and a Birthday

My Dearest Kendrah,

It seems like forever since I have written. Things around here have gone crazy the past month...I don't know where the time goes. Maybe it’s another of those “as we get older” things.

Anyway…I don’t have much time. Viggo has decided to pop over to spend part of his 50th birthday with us and the Tower is in an uproar. Apparently he and the King worked it all out but no one bothered to pass the info along to me (typical Men)! So out of the blue this afternoon, the King wanted to know what we’d be serving for the birthday dinner and if the of Old Winyard Mayor Sam has shipped had arrived and being allowed to breathe! Here I was, looking forward a peaceful Monday night after my so-called weekend and BAM! VIP party!

Fortunately the staff in the Citadel is almost as good as the one on Upstairs/Downstairs at pulling off emergency dinner parties, so it looks like we won’t embarrass ourselves in the eyes of our favorite tough-guy-with-a heart-of-gold movie star. But Faramir is gonna freak when he sees what we’re paying in over-time for the kitchen staff! Fortunately, Viggo and the King wanted to keep it a fairly low-key affair, so there was no need to break the formal garb or be too fancy. Which is good…I‘m thinking I might need to retire after dinner and let the guys do some much needed-bonding. The weekend wiped me out!

Saturday, I got up made pierogies, talked to Rook (don’t tell the King, I’d hate for it to get back to Elrond since he’s been so useful to me lately), frieed the pirogies, took a shower, got all dressed up (make-up and everything) and went to my potluck. Sunday I spent like 12 hours at Pagan Pride Day sitting at the Druid table and being friendly and helpful. You how exhausting friendly and helpful can be!! On the plus side, I finished crocheting a dishrag and am halfway through another. There’s a lot of downtime sitting at the Druid table. You can only pass out so much propaganda!!!

Work is hell…we just can’t seem to get caught up! I can’t wait ‘til Thanksgiving break! I plan to spend a great deal of time lounging about the White City letting people wait on me. Of course I have to get through two weeks of a very popular musical first! If Sondheim doesn’t kill me, I now I will be a stronger person for having survived “Into the Woods”, but I think it will require much reflection on my part before I start to see the good in it.

Well, once again time flies. I have to pop over to White City and make sure everything is good to go for the party. Hope all is well with you. Heck, I might see you and Leggs there! I haven’t even glanced at the guest list yet!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Like Sweating Sickness

My Dearest Corwynne,

I decided to wait for the full outcome of your story before replying. I figure it is always good to get the whole story before saying anything in order to avoid needing seasoning for one's foot. My original feelings about the King's behavior about DT doctor would have been seen as unkind and could have made things awkward at our next meeting, and I am glad that I waited.

I am also glad, nay, overjoyed that the King has seen the error of his ways. Jealous is not a good quality in a movie boyfriend. Especially when that movie boyfriend understands from wence he came. If you were dating Garth from Wayne's World, I would not expect him to understand where he has come from. But the King has proven time and again that he understands the ins and outs of reality jumping and therefore should also understand the difficulties a woman in reality must face when dating someone from fantasy. It is good that his mind has won out over petty emotions.

That, and I love having DT doctor around. As you know, I am a big fan of his...not as big as you, of course, but from time to time there are moments when I regret not grabbing him up first. But it is truly better that he and I remain friends...I am much better in the Donna role as opposed to Rose or Martha, it just works better for us.

I know that the past few months will be difficult for the future historians of Middle Earth, but I think it will be a welcome one. Much like our long conversations debating what the sweating sickness really was, or whether or not Giaus Baltar is evil, I think they will enjoy the chance for debate amid all the facts. It will give new life to their studies, if fact I think we should consider having one of the Sons (mine, not Elrond's) damage some of the records here and there upon our deaths, just to throw some mystery out there. I am sure that Mithrandir would not approve, but I think we should jazz it up a bit.

Anyway, we have had a pretty quiet summer in the settlement. I have not found any writings of Leggs from Pennsic this year. I suspect he knows that I forwarded it on to you last year. I hope that the King had something to say.

We are looking forward to seeing you next month for Samhain...I have to make something for that....eeeks!

Your affectionate friend,

*all characters from alternate realities other than reality itself and the main fantasy world contained herein were used with the permission of the trans-reality agency.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Saga continues

My Dearest Kendrah,

Apologies for taking so long to continue my story! I know you (and the eager bards and minstrels) are dying for the rest of the story. In the new-found spirit of reconciliation, I’ve been spending a great deal of time in Minis Tirith being a dutiful consort and haven't had much time to write.

As you can imagine, my outburst to the King did not go over well. Still muttering grimly about the Doctor’s lack of beard he stomped into the bedroom, dragged Anduril from its resting place under the bed (next to the exercise machine I STILL haven’t set up) and announced that he thought we should take a “break.” Well, that was just fine with me. I’m tired of his petty jealousies! Do I complain when he, Faramir and Eomer go off for weeks on one of their “boy’s hunting vacations”? Did I reprimand him when I found the naughty diary entries Boromir left in his journal? Did I complain when he found a way around the web filter and started Google image searching Liv Tyler? No! I did not! So it was decided that I spend my summer dealing with precollege and he would stay in the White City and we could both have “space” to decide where we wanted the relationship to go.

Now, we’ve spent time apart before and no one ever raised a carefully-groomed eyebrow, but apparently this time, the minions of the City knew something was up. Maybe it was lingering trauma over the recent Celeborn/Galadriel fallout but suddenly everyone and his sister-son in Middle Earth knew there was an ISSUE. Oddly enough, Eowyn appeared to be on my side and stayed in touch. (I guess she figured that she knew a thing or two about forbidden love!) Anyway, you may have seen what some of the gossip rags were insinuating! There was the rumor that I was pregnant and insisting on having the baby in a reality hospital. The midwives in the Housing of Healing were pissed about that one! There the theory that I had gone to live with the Elves. (Nice thought!) and my favorite…I was secretly an agent of the Dark Lord and had run off to the Easterlings carrying with me the defense secrets of all of Gondor! (Like they needed MY help to make a mess of the Gondor! We're still cleaning up after their last invasion!)

The King did nothing to dispel any of the rumors. Apparently royal pride wouldn’t allow him to tell any reputable reporter the truth, so it was easier to let folks speculate. Things turned around when word of the Break reached Rivendell. While I was busy trying to get precollege over with and packing for Pennsic, Eowyn sent a Rider to tell me that the King had been summoned by Lord Elrond and that he had departed for Imladris with all due haste. Most folks assumed it was new Orc colony in need of smiting or that Elrond had finally decided to make the King get all his crap out of his old bedroom. As it turns out, Elrond was most displeased to learn of our spat. Word that the King might once again be the most eligible bachelor in Arda set off quite a flurry of concern. Seems his lordship was sure that the King might try and get back together with his old girlfriend the She-elf Who Shall Not Be Named. This was not acceptable.

I don’t what Elrond said to him, but Aragorn showed up Sunday night at Pennsic with a bouquet of elanor and apologized! Privately, of course. No sense everyone knowing what had been going on. Our cover story that he came to Pennsic late because of pressing matters back home seemed to satisfy everyone at the time. Of course, most of them were drunk…Anyhoo…The King has promised to be less scornful of beardless Time Lords and I have promised to be less enthusiastic (at least around him) of the Doctor’s (many) virtues and all is well again. I think he finally understands that TV boyfriends may come and go, but movie boyfriends are forever. (And I showed him some Patrick Troughton and William Hartnell episodes and he felt much better about himself.)

So there it is…a simple lover’s quarrel that worked out okay in the end. I don’t think the King is used to happy endings!

More soon, but I promised Eowyn I’d show her a few David Tennant episode so she could see what all the fuss was about. Let’s hope Faramir takes it better than the King!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Infamous Summer of 2008

My Dearest Kendrah,

Years from now, our official biographers will sift through reams of journal entries and letters and wonder what happened during the Summer of 2008 RR (Reality Reckoning). Questions will that keep bards and storytellers busy for centuries pondering the mysteries of that time. Romantic tales will spring up concerning our trials and tribulations, made all the more horrible to bear because we did not have each other as faithful companions. What drove them apart, they wonder and why, after three months of silence, have they reconciled and, renewed in frith and friendship, begun again the glorious adventure of fellowship between the worlds.

Well, screw the biographers and bards!!! The truth is…I was busy!!! Between the Druids (reality) and the King’s jealousy (Fantasy), I’ve had my hands full!!! It is not and issue between us, oh bards, but an issue with the King. An issue that almost changed the course of history. I admit I am partly to blame and to protect his honor and the intimate details of our recent unpleasantness, (damn paparazzi) I have avoided committing to paper the events of the past few months. I know you are aware of some of the rumors and gossip that had spread throughout our realm and beyond, and I hope this letter will explain with a bit more truthiness the situation at hand.

As you know, War Practice went off beautifully! Celeborn was very polite, though he did drink lot, and seemed to enjoy himself, or at least, remain rather bemused by the entire situation. Shortly after our return from War practice though, his Elven Lordship decided it was time to retreat to Lothorien and sped some time contemplating the state of the reality and fate of Man. (He took with him a box of Fruity Cheerios). Huzzah! I thought finally, things would get back to normal around Minis Tirith.

Unfortunately, the new season of Dr. Who began.

I thought the King and I had worked through out issues with my current TV Boyfriend, but apparently I was sadly mistaken. When the season began, I invited the king to watch with me, thinking if we were together he would see that It was all over between me and the Doctor. That ploy backfired! I was not nearly as over the Doctor as I thought (and my added, creepy fascination with Capt. Jack didn’t help.) Maybe it was a seven year itch, maybe I was dreaming of greener pastures, I just don’t know.

I behaved fairly well in the beginning, hiding my forbidden love deep inside like Gwenevere (that twit! I hated myself!), but the King wasn’t enjoying himself. He kept watching, but I had to put up with all the snide comments. “The Doctor! What kind of name is that? And people made fun of ME when I called myself Strider” and “He doesn’t seem very fit. That’s what you get from sitting on your ass riding a blue box through space and time instead of hacking orcs like a real man” and “He’s so skinny. I could snap him like a twig…even Legolas could snap him like a twig, not that he would, I think he has a fondness for twigs, but you know what I’m saying” and “Why doesn’t the sissy boy grow a beard for Eru’s sake, he looks like Hobbit” and on and on.

That was all I could take. I wet on a rant about how the Doctor always has to save the world and if he wants to do it beardless and wearing sneakers that’s his right. And how The King should be lucky to have me…someone to come home to after the long orc hunts who cares about him and who he can actually have sex with from time to time. And he would just spend time with the Doctor he would understand what a wonderful guy he really is. And how the Doctor is doing his part to save the world too and the King should just shut up about it!!!!!

Well, that did not go over too well.

Unfortunately, I must sign off for now. Busy, busy with post Pennsic clean-up (still!) and assorted Gondorian harvest festivals to plan.

I will continue the saga as soon as I am able.

Your Affectionate Friend,

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I apologize

My dearest Corwynne,

There is no need to apologize for not writing, especially since it appears to have been my fault. I am so sorry that my mistake has caused you and yours such hardship. Please extend my apologies to Celeborn also...I feel terrible about putting everyone in such situation.

War Practice is already under way, but I have seen the weather reports and I am glad we won't be going until tomorrow. Not that the weather will be any better, but there will be less of it for us to endure. Leggs has decided to head up early and left this morning. He feels the need to commune with the trees alone.

Since he is not here, reading over my shoulder, I can tell you that my trip to see The Loud One was very pleasant. We accomplished absolutely nothing and did even less. In other words...glorious. Then I returned home to battle a stomach flu, which I have hopefully conquered.

Well, since I will see you in about twenty-four hours I will keep this short. See you tomorrow.

Your affectionate friend,

Saturday, May 10, 2008

That Explains It!

My Dearest Kendrah,

I once again find myself apologizing for the tardy reply to your latest letter. I will say that it certainly explains why, shortly after your “gift” arrived, Celeborn came riding like the wind up to the White City, looking rather disheveled for an Elf, demanding wine and taking up residence in one of the ambassadorial suites. He claimed he had important research to do in the Library, but I thought it a rather lame excuse. However, the King and I felt it best to say nothing and simply extend our hospitality for the duration of his visit. Which continues, much like the proverbial road, ever on and on.

For nearly a month he’s been gliding around the City, holing up in the Library with Mithrandir during the day or worse taking very long lunches with the Wizard, slumming it in various taverns in the lower levels of the City. Let me assure you there is nothing quite so disturbing as the two of them staggering up flights of stairs while singing bawdy drinking songs. I am hoping he grows tired of us mere Mortals soon. I sympathize…no one wants to face the Wroth of Gladders, but he starting to scare me. Fortunately, he’s begun singing more laments, late at night, which leads me to believe he’s beginning to miss the Golden Wood. I wonder when he’ll consider it safe to return home?

The King and I are looking forward to War Practice. If Celeborn is still skulking around, I may invite him along as well. Picture it. Go on, close your eyes, and picture him knee deep in Bog mud, eating Cheerios out of a paper bowl! I hope the image amuses you as much as it does me. Does Leggs plan to join us this year? I’m trying to get the final head count for the food plan.

I spent most of the day cleaning the basement and locating the camping equipment. The King made himself useful carrying trash. I think he needed a break from our noble Elven guest as much as I did! I’m going to so a bit more laundry and settle in for a nice evening of Battlestar Galactica.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend in New York with the Loud One! The King and I look forward to seeing you and Sons next weekend!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Monday, April 14, 2008

Someone else's Blessed Event

My Dearest Corwynne,

You know that I have been trying to facilitate some sort of less than hostile relationship between the elves in the West and myself, or anyone of lesser (ie human) birth. I think that I may have blown it. Yesterday I was in reality, surf the interwebs, when I saw a birth announcement and I thought that I had seen a golden opportunity....I immediately sent out a congratulatory basket with many gifts that a new mother should not be without, hoping that mine would be the best and the first to arrive.

Sadly, it was the only one to arrive, because it appears that I was the only one who didn't bother to continue was not Gladders who had a baby, but Cate Blachett....But seriously, with a name like Ignatius Martin how was I expected to know. I mean, yes, I know that Gladders is well past the age that anyone, even an elf should even consider having a child, but she has always gone against the grain, and I was just so excited that this was an opportunity to quell some of her hatred toward me.

So, my package was returned. It's contents were now nothing but ash. There was a note attached which simply read "Forward to Cate Blachett" So I think I have screwed this up past the point of rescue, and I must say, knowing that there is no chance has sort of made me feel better about everything.

I am very excited for the chance to work with the SCYSM. I would love to sit on the board. Please let me know when the first meeting will be.

Please thank the King for all of his concern over the education of the eldest son. It is very helpful to have royalty on your side.

I must go now and explain the basket in the shape of a baby carriage filled with ash to Leggs. I don't think he is going to be pleased.

Your affectionate friend,

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Dearest Kendrah,

First of all, you, Leggs and the Sons should know that you have the full support of the King and I. We have always depended on you, along with your family, to Facilitate Ridiculous Fantasies. In fact we consider you a leader in the movement. Many look up to you, take you as an example of how to facilitate, and draw inspiration and courage from the way you boldly lay the foundations for future mental instability! The King has offered to send The Eldest Son a small honor guard of Gondorian Knights to help “facilitate” the smiting unbelievers. I suggested that it might not be best idea. If they have such an issue with a herd of harmless unicorns, imagine the reaction to a fully armoured guard. The king has agreed to simply monitor the situation for the time being. (Though I wouldn’t be surprised if a few unemployed Rangers from the North started lurking in bushes. Sometimes, the King’s "monitoring" techniques are less than subtle.)

In other news, I have received several communications from Rook concerning the future of Orthanc. As you know, once we got all the creepy stuff cleaned out, the King gave the Key of Orthanc into Rook’s keeping. He finally has a plan for converting the former Stronghold of Sauruman into an institution benefiting the whole of Arda. The King, Faramir and I are still sorting through the paperwork but with luck, “Rook's School and Home for Useless Yet Strapping Young Men and/or Elves” should be opening its doors in the next 18 months. That is of course, its informal name. It will be incorporated in Gondor as the Scholarly Council for Young Strapping Men (SCYSM).

He has asked that both you and I consent to sit on its Board of Directors. I have agreed (it’s very queenly to sit on charitable boards) and hope you will join me. He is also seeking other-world board members to act as advisors. Sir Ian McKellan and Professor Dumbledore have already been invited as art and education advisors. The courses will focus on the Classics, which in our opinion, don’t get enough focus these days. Greco-Roman wrestling will be a help in channeling YSM energies. The King suggested we add some military training as well. I’m thinking along the lines of 300 (with proper Spartan “uniforms”) to encourage team building. Classical figure drawing will nuture their artistic side and learning Latin and Quenya will lay a solid foundation for understanding and analysis of language and history. Singing, recitation of poetry, Elven harp, and other performance-oriented lessons will instill self-esteem and foster an appreciation for music and theater…or musical theater…

Of course this will all require money. I was hoping to dedicate income from the upcoming Hobbit film to this purpose, but with the latest Tolkien Estate lawsuit and the New Line merger, I am hesitant to count on becoming available in a timely manner. We hate to raise taxes again, so we are looking at alternative funding options. Several prominent Gondorian leaders including Prince Imrahil, Faramir, myself and the King, have already pledged private endowments. I plan to lean on Elrond to get an endowment from him. I don’t know if we’ll have much luck with donations from Lothlorien, but I suspect Haldir might be interested. I will leave soliciting Thranduil and his folk in the capable hands of you and Leggs. I think you and I should definitely host some charity balls, auctions and dinners. Perhaps we could recruit our reality friends to do their part as well. Maybe Orli would be willing to auction off another pair of smallclothes on Ebay. I’ll have the King mention it to Viggo(I think they’re having dinner together next week). Surely Sir Ian, and the other Sir Ian and Christopher Lee would lend their support to this worthy cause.

In any case, I should probably get back to work. I still have real work to do on top of the business of running a kingdom.. I don’t think anyone realizes the amount of time and effort that goes into proper governance of a “ridiculous fantasy.” Until next time…

Your Affectionate Friend,

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Ridiculous Facilitation

My Dearest Corwynne,

I am so glad that you and the King got to spend some quality time together. I am a bit surprised by what movies he did and did not like, but they do say you can never really know someone. And I guess that is the case here.

News from this part of the world (middle earth and reality) is not terribly exciting. The most interesting thing happened in reality(at least I think it was in reality, but after you see how it went, you will understand my hesitation in commenting to that fully).

This evening I attended parent teacher conferences for the eldest of the sons. Nothing out of the ordinary with his school work, just as I expected. As I was about to leave however, one of his teachers said that there was a issue that they wanted to mention. I said okay and waited, expecting something like "He tends to yell "pickles" a lot." (Cause he does.) The two teachers look to each other and braced themselves and the one said, "We would like to discuss your ridiculous facilitation of his unicorn fantasies."

I figured this issue would come up eventually, but I didn't expect it right then. If I had know it was coming I never would have let Leggs tag along. I was distracted for a moment, because Leggs immediately stood up straighter, as sure sign of elf agitation. Since I was distracted, all I managed was "what about it?" And can I just say right now that this was not the right response, because it opened up a window in which these two women let flow forth redneckness (yes, I made that word up cause there isn't one that I know that convey my feeling better) that shocked, awed and offended me (and Leggs) greatly.

They started off by telling me that I was laying the foundation for future mental instability.* I replied to this with "I certainly don't believe that to be true." The rebuttal from the teachers was that I must tell him there is no such things as unicorns. I replied that I would not and that even if I did he wouldn't believe me. one teacher then said to the other, "Well, that is a parenting problem."** And without allowing me time to answer the other teacher began telling me a little story. It stars my eldest child being picked on for believing in unicorns by the other nonbelievers in the class. And how she came to his rescue with this golden nugget..."So, I told them," she said, "that there were unicorns in the Bible, so they must have been real."***

At this point I explained that the son and I had discussed keeping his love of unicorns quiet at school in order to make more friends, but that he said he didn't want that kind of friend. I told them if they had an arguement that could beat that I would be happy to hear it....they only responded that it was very Montessori of me.**** I did not yell, because it is never a good idea to upset the people who spend more time with your child than you do. So, yet another eventful parent teacher conference, and by successful I mean that I don't think this school will ask me to be president of the PTA...thank the Valar!

And that is all the news that is fit to print. The news that is not fit to print can be found below. Give my best to the King.

Your affectionate friend,

Leggs' responses at Parent Teacher conferences.

*These women have clearly not done any research on what causes these mental issues. The New England Journal of Medicine clearly explains that mental illness is caused by many factors. Genetics play a large role as does the patients family life. If they do not feel safe around their family, a mental disorder could arise. I would think that being willing to openly admit to such an unpopular idea at such a young age proves that this child feels completely safe in his home environment. There are also psychological factors, such as trauma....(at this point I had to go back to listening to the teachers or they would have thought that there was a very good reason that my son was crazy!)

**There is a fell voice on the air! If I did not see them with my own eyes I would be sure they were Crebain from Dunland. How is it that they dare?!

***Crebain from Dunland are more intelligent than these women. She proves that the fantasy is not real with the proof that is real from another more fantastic and unbelievable fantasy than the first. The lack of logic in these people would make Spock's head spin!

****Montessori!!! Yes, when my father is finally in the Elven retirement home we will have enough gold to send both of the sons to a real school, like this woman says a Montessori school. I have had enough. Let us be done with these fools.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Movies with the King

My Dearest Kendrah,

I can’t believe it’s been a month since you last wrote! January fled like an Elf on a fast boat to the West! I guess it’s taken me a while to recover from all the holiday festivities and some kind of routine again. And the post-holiday funk was almost equal to the post-Pennsic funk, so I haven’t been in a communicating kind of mood.

Mostly, the King has been hanging out at my place. He has a soft spot for central heating and the electric blanket, so he was perfectly willing to lie around for a few weeks with me watching movies and eating leftover cookies, Hershey’s Miniatures and those funny Italian nougat candies you can only find at Christmas.

Anyway, the eating, as usual was pretty good, but apparently the King is far worse than we when it comes to making fun of...uh…discussing films.

Where to begin. Let’s start with 300. I thought he’d love it, all that manly camaraderie. He spent the whole movie loudly voicing his disapproval at the lack of Spartan armor and couldn’t understand why I was so…ummm…appreciative. “You make fun of me for not wearing a HELM, yet you approve of these muscle-heads going to die in their small clothes?!?!?!” (maybe Boromir was barking up the wrong tree after all!)

Then on to Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. He couldn’t follow the plot, but you can’t blame him, there are few who could. He spent this movie blathering about how COOL Geoffrey Rush/Barbossa was. What a snappy dresser and oooh…look at his “sword play!” (I may have lost the ground I gained during 300!) At least we both got to make fun of Orlando’s relatively poor overall performance (I’m pretty sure he was talking about his acting….)

Eastern Promises was a fiasco. He can’t understand why Viggo would play such morally ambiguous character. Or why any of the people in the movie were allowed to live. (“If I were King of England, I’d put a stop to that behavior immediately!”). He remains impressed with Viggo’s fighting skills, but the steam room scene made him flinch! Boys are so sensitive about some things! I explained that Viggo received several award nominations for that role and he was appalled that anyone would reward that type of behavior. We had to have another little chat about the difference between actors and their roles. (Every time I think he gets it, I realize he doesn’t…quite.) I told him it was a very big deal for Viggo and he sent a congratulatory fruit basket to be supportive, even though he doesn’t approve. I think that’s very open-minded of him.

I’ve started watching season three of Dr. Who, but only after the King retires for the night. The love I feel for DTD remains strong, but will forever be unrequited.

I should go and watch some Torchwood. I wonder what the King will think of that!!!

Hope all is well and that I hear from you soon.

Your Affectionate Friend,

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Another New Year Comes

My Dearest Corwynne,

I was so pleased to hear of the blessed event. I guess since the media in the real world only has the memory of a fruit fly, I had not heard anything about it. What a joy it will be to see the struggles of the people of Middle Earth recognized by the masses yet again.

Don't get me of a royal birth would have been just as welcome. But you and the King have decided to take you time and we will all, most of us anyway, respect that.

I conveyed your warning to Leggs, and he is most distressed. He had hoped that with the success that Orli has seen over the past few years that his name would not be tarnished by association anymore, but he understands that he can't control every thing and that he is immortal, so he will out live the shame.

It was so lovely to see you over the holidays. I cannot believe that with five days scheduled for our visit that we ended up not having enough time to do everything we had planned. Soon it will be new year's month instead of new year's day, if we are to get everything done!

I enjoyed my time there so very much. I had forgotten what it is like to be around actual people. I am lucky enough to keep in touch with many of my friends via the "handheld palantir" but what a difference it is to talk to people and actually see their faces.

We were such social butterflies, which I know is not exactly a change for you, but my goodness, we sure saw a lot of people. Dinner at Gardner and Kathryn's followed by country music Karaoke was quite a surprise. I also really enjoy watching Mai as she plays with Arwen(the good one) and the Sons. I think it shows us how the next regime will run.

The only disappointment of the weekend was Sweeny Todd but at least we got to order our tickets with the flourish of a Roman town crier. Well, I also don't think I got enough use out of my eatin' dress this year, but there is always next year. I think it will be my goal to put on 40 pounds while I am there this time.

I hope that you had as much fun as I did. And be sure to thank the King for my Christmas gift. I have hung it in a place of honor befitting it's rarity and fineness. Best to those in the White City.

Your affectionate friend,