Monday, January 31, 2005

A Break Through

My dearest Corwynne,

The imaginary writer's block may be lifting slowly. There was a strange incident the other day. I was driving to the store alone. I was listing to a CD in the car. Nothing of interest occurring just driving. A song came on which I think is called I'm not the Man. Picture it if you will, song going on the radio, me tooling down the highway.....

His eyes have gone away
escaping all the time
He rules a crowded nation
inside his mind

At this point I hear laughter from the backseat. I know that the kids are at homeso you can imagine my surprise when I turn to see Leggs laughing in the backseat. Now this is the part in a story about Leggs having an emotion where I say that his version on laughing equals something else. However this is not the case here. He was laughing where Leggs laughing equals laughing. I was in complete shock. It took me some time to ask him what he found so funny. He said that the song reminded him of us. But by this point the song had moved on to the line:

And the crowd cries "Hang him slow"

Then Leggs with a final snicker left. It took me quite some time to realize that he meant the line about ruling a crowded nation and not that he thought that one day there would be crowds of people clamoring for our deaths.

Anyway, it was nice to see him and remember having seen him again. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come.

Hope that all is well in the White City and the Steel City and that Farimir is working out in his new post. Talk to you soon.

Your affectionate friend,

Friday, January 28, 2005

Imaginary Writer's Block

My dearest Corwynne,

I am sorry that I have not written in so long. It is strange, because I go to the settlement quite regularly and we are getting a lot done(I think). We probably eat and hang out talking and I am quite sure that parts of the conversations are funny or at the very least interesting enough to write to you about. The problem occurs when I get home and think that I will write to you.

When I sit to write, everything that we have done in the settlement becomes a blurr and the voices of our friends telling stories turn into the voice of the adults on Charlie Brown. The only thing I can figure is that this is imaginary writer's block. It is either that, or my imaginary friends don't want to play with me any more and this is their way of telling me. That would be pretty pathetic.

Anyway, I plan to spend some time there this weekend and hopefully I will be able to write about it upon my return.

Have a good time watching movies with which ever companion you choose. But remember not to let Eowyn cook if you are having her over. I would not enjoy reading a detailed account of the resulting illness.

Must go, it is time to put the baby in bed.
Your affectionate friend,

Thursday, January 27, 2005


My Dearest Kendrah,

Things have been fairly quiet here the past week. I am planning to spend the weekend in ME forgetting that the real world exists. Of course I have to work most of the weekend, but the opera should provide plenty of oppotunities for a fantasy vacations.

I have decided that afew days in a world where I am rich, thin and moderately powerful would be good for me right now. I am expecting King Arthur to arrive from NetFlix this weekend so I'll have to spend some time at home watching that. I was hoping Aragorn might find it interesting. He'll probably fall for that skinny little Keira Knightly in her leather bikini fighting garb. Well, at least I know he'll only flirt. He prefers women who sit home and make tapestries (and balance his checkbook, arrange official parties, welcome ambassadors...) Maybe I should invite Eowyn instead...we could have a Girls Night Out.

He seemed to enjoy least the fight scenes. I thought it was a mess. At least Aragorn agreed with me that the score was not only uninspiring, but distracting.

Well I must get back to work. I will talk to you soon.

Your Affectionate Friend,

Monday, January 24, 2005

Elves and Football

My Dearest Kendrah,

I too find it amusing that Leggs thinks we know what we're doing! I also agree that keeping an eye on other real people in ME would be a good idea. I've read fan fiction...I know the trouble people can cause when they are out of their element. It might give all those retired Rangers something to do with their time (other than drinking in the Great Hall and taunting Aragorn about his new king clothes).

Last night was totally disturbing!! Aragorn had the boys over to watch the Steeler game. I expected Merry and Pippin to enjoy themselves, but I never thought the Elves would get so into it! It was most disconcerting to see Celeborn and The Sons, devouring nachos, swilling Iron City and frantically waving their Terrible Towels! Sadly, the Steelers lost...miserably...even I could tell it was pathetic! The boys didn't seem to mind. Merry and Pippin wrote a naughty drinking song about the Patriots quarterback's sister and Aragorn joined the Elves in composing a stirring lament to the downfall of the mighty warriors. I took my book, went to bed and shut the door.

When I got up this morning, there were still several guys passed out on the futon. I slunk out as quietly as I could. I hope that by the time I get home, they'll have all staggered off. I'm afraid they'll want to come back for the Super Bowl. I don't know if I can handle any more football.
Perhaps I can get them to watch figure skating?

Well, must go run some annoying reports before I head back to my (hopefully) football free apartment. And it's still snowing

Your Affectionate Friend,

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Coronations, Restraining Orders and the census...Oh my!

My Dearest Corwynne,
I was reminded in your past letter that I wanted to tell you that I was amazed by your generousity in having the restraining order lifted so that PJ could film the coronation scene in ROTK. I think that the movie would have been lacking if they left the scene out as they had planned to when PJ found out about the order. I thought it was a very nice thing for you to do.
Legolas is all for the census. He thinks that it would be a good opportunity to find other real world people who might be having imaginary lives in other parts of middle earth. He thinks it would be nice for us to have other people around who understand just what it is we are doing. I find it amusing that Leggs thinks we know what were are doing!
Well, I must start dinner.
Your affectionate friend,

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Concerning Comforting

My Dearest Kendrah,

Yes, the old comforting line. It does work wonders (and is frequently true). Aragorn has done his share of comforting in the past, so I think the system works fairly well. As long as I never catch him comforting that home-wrecker Arwen, we should be fine.

I sometimes miss Boromir. Not that we ever really got to know each other, but it seems sad that he's missing out on the New World Order. He probably would have been fine once we got him out from under Denethor's thumb. Faramir is doing an admirable job, however. Have I ever mentioned how much he reminds me of your father?

Perhaps those "real-world" people have a point. We really should conduct a census to determine just who is "real" and in what sense. I'll send an imaginary email to Aragorn and Faramir and see if they'd like to make that a Spring project. They'd probably like it...riding over the real and imagined countrysides, interviewing the folks, camping and fishing, just like the old would be a good bonding experience...and may actually yield some useful demographic information.

Someday I need to play the game. I'm not very good at strategy though. Maybe Aragorn could be on my team? That might not be a good idea either...Mr "Ya Know-What-Would-Be-Fun? Let's-Go-Attack-the-Black Gate-as-a-Diversion." I know, I know, it worked...but really! Not a venture I'd undertake in a board game!

I'm going to go watch a bit of "The Power of Myth."

Talk to you soon,
Your Affectionate Friend,

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


My dearest Corwynne,

As I read your last letter I wondered if you would bring up your old "comforting a comrade" stand by. I can't blame you of course. It does work wonders. When I heard that Aragorn had caught you with Boromir that time, I thought your whole relationship was over, but when I heard that you had convinced him that you were just comforting a comrade I was floored....brillant. And if it works might as well use it.

I have heard a real world rumor that cetain people are actually reading our letters and email each other about it but not posting comments. Just wondering if they can get a list of people who are real and imaginary. I fear that we cannot keep an accurate chronicle without the comments of ordinary "orc on the street" if you will. But I don't think there is any way to convince them.

Oh well, I must go get the kids in bed so that I can watch ROTK-EE again.....must have all the info at my command before we play the game again.

Your affectionate friend,


My Dearest Kendrah,

I had some interesting news from my Deana the other night. It seems, completely without her permission, Aragorn appeared in her dream! Needless to say, I was quite taken aback! What was he doing in SOMEONE ELSE'S DREAM!?! Especially someone I know!?!

Deana poured me another marguerita and explained further. Things were not as bad as I first suspected. She is fairly certain that is was not actually Aragorn, but Viggo dressed as Aragorn. In fact, Viggo was really tired from filming. Seems he was so worn out, he had to lie in Deana's lap. And I was there too, stroking his hair. Hmmm...perhaps Aragorn needs to be jealous of this one. Fortunately it was Deana's dream, not mine...Viggo and I are just friends. Deana also assures me that through the entire dream, he was wearing his boots. And as we know, nothing naughty can happen when a man has his boots on!

To add to the strangeness, Captain Jack Sparrow showed up! NOT Johnny, Captain Jack himself! (I do not know if the Captain kept his boots on...It's probably best not to know!)

I have no explanation for any of it, as I said...not my dream...I told her to chalk it up to "comforting a comrade" and think no more of it. She did ask me to ask Aragorn not to visit her dreams...just in case. I have passed along the message. He gave me that smug Ranger smirk and nodded. I'm taking that as a "Yes, dear" for the moment...

Well, back to some paperwork. I wouldn't be too concerned about the lack of adventure at the moment. It's probably the deep breath before the plunge as they say. Things will pick up soon...enjoy the peace while you can!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Monday, January 17, 2005

Dull in the Settlement.

My dearest Corwynne,
I am sorry that I have not written in so long, but there has been little to report from the settlement. Nothing at all has been happening. Unless you count Leggs mumbling that some of my friends redefine the meaning of lesser men under his breath.

I am sure this lull in tramas is temporary and that soon I will have many tramas to report.. Until then....
Your affectionate friend,

Thursday, January 13, 2005


My Dearest Kendrah,

So it seems our Rook has started an international, if not interdimensional, incident!
This will take some careful handling. I just hope it doesn't get back to Elrond. It will hurt his feelings dreadfully and the poor Elf has been through enough already! His father's a star, his mother's a bird, his brother's a Man, his wife got on the boat, his daughter's a stalker and those Sons of his are out of control orc-slayers! This is last thing he needs!

Celeborn stopped by to spend a long weekend. I think he and Gladders are having another tiff. He says to tell Leggs not to wory about the long as Thranduil didn't make some ridiculous oath, (which the Sylvan folk don't tend to do) he'll take it back. Seems he has a tendency to send nasty letters when he's drinking. (Maybe the strawberry daquiri wasn't such a good idea after all!) Apparently he sends wine-stained notes to Celeborn all the time, one minute insulting his "fraterniztion" with the Noldor, then offering him the Crown of Mirkwood the next! Celeborn just ignores him. BTW...C. finds the "mudblood" comment quite amusing. He's gonna pass it on to Gladders (once they're speaking again). He thinks she'll enjoy immensely!

Well I should run. I put a fresh bucket of margueritas in the freezer last night and Celeborn and Aragorn keep finding excuses to pop over to my apartment while I'm at work. I promised Deana we'd have margueritas Friday night, so I need to make sure they leave some for us! Who would have guessed Wood Elves and Dunadain aould develop such an affection for frozen alcoholic beverages. (Maybe if you added a bit of whiskey to the Dip n Dots, Leggs would be less inclined to see them as a tool of Evil and learn to appreciate them for the tasty treats they are!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Wednesday, January 12, 2005


My dearest Corwynne,
It appears that our movie boyfriends have begun to correspond with each other. Yesterday, while in the settlement a rider appeared....Well he didn't appear he rode up in a very nonmagical fashion. Anyway, it was a letter from Aragorn to Leggs. It related the "mudblood" incident much as you have recounted it here. Leggs is mortified and at the King's behest has made it clear that Rook will not be welcome in the settlement either. This is a sad state of affairs, I think given some time it can be gotten past but it may take the lifetime of an immortal to get there.
Leggs actually got two letters yesterday. They arrived from different directions. One from the White City and one from Mirkwood. He was quite surprised to hear from he father. He did not hold out much hope for good news and he was right. It read: Legolas, worthless Prince, Your inheritance has been given away. Enjoy your life among lesser men and women. Your former Father, etc.
It did not have that effect intended however. Leggs was pleased as could be about this development. Elves are strange.

In real world news I heard from Jeffie in Kyrgystan. He says that he is currently in a military tent city, not unlike pennsic. Therefore I have decided to imagine him in the tent city of Rohan, just before the battle of Pelanor Fields. Such lovely tents.

That is all for now, I must go try and calm Pippin(the dog not the hobbit)
Your affectionate Friend,

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Good News and Bad News

My Dearest Kendrah,

It was so good having you all here for the holiday! I had a lovely time. It was a bit disappointing that Merry and Pippin didn't arrive New Year's Eve until after your son had gone to bed. It's probably for the appears they had been drinking heavily and had run out of pipeweed. I gave them a pack of clovies, made certain they had a designated driver (poor Fatty...I get the impression he's always the DD) and sent them on their way. I think they planned to stop by Gregor's in search of nice stout.

The good news is...we've recovered our dwarves! This time we sent Imrahil to deal with his Sullen Majesty of Mirkwood. I figured they'd get along wonderfully. And I was right. Not only did Thranduil admit to his error in judgement in imprisoning the original Royal Envoy, he came through with some mithril! Imrahil says he mumbled something about "no use saving it for that ungrateful son of his" and handed over all we needed. I must remember to send a thank-you note. Nothing against Imrahil's diplomatic skill, but I suspect the three buckets of frozen strawberry daiquiri we sent along helped with convincing. (I won't even begin to describe the issues involved in manipulating the space-time continuum that allowed the daiqiris to travel all the way to Mirkwood still frozen. Suffice it to say, even Mithrandir was impressed!) So Imrahil, dwarves and mithril have all returned safely and I thought we could have a little peace. Alas, it was not to be...

On to the bad news. As you know, Aragorn was a bit unsure of Rook from all the stories I'd been telling him, but they seemed to be getting along well enough. Until Rook was about to leave. The horror of the moment has made me forget exactly what they were talking about, but suddenly I hear Rook exclaim "Elrond is a mudblood." The room got deathly quiet. "I beg your pardon," says Aragorn, "What was that you said?" "Elrond is a mudblood."

It was one of those horrible moments when time stands still, then seems to move in slow motion (like when the Uruk-hai are shooting Boromir full of arrows). Aragorn unfolds himself from the depths of the futon, draws himself up to full height and starts advancing on Rook. (Fortunately, he wasn't armed) I finally unfreeze from my shocked stupor and step in between them. "Now dearest, remember, he's a guest in our home ...rules of hospitality and all..." Aragorn looks at him: "Perhaps you would like to explain your remark, Master Rook." I know immediately that this would be a bad idea. "Oh my..look at the time...I bet it's raining in Kentucky, don't you have to be going now Rook, dear?", I babble at them. They both stare at me like I've gone mad, but Rook checks the clock and says yes he needs to go because he needs to stop at the Warhol. So he escapes, all limbs still attached and not bleeding at all.

Aragorn is furious! Ranted all night about how if a guest gravely insults a close family member or ally, the host should be allowed to skewer him without having to worry about invoking a dreadful doom for inhospitality. I did my my best to calm him, but he's still terribly offended. He's decided Rook is not welcome in the White City, then pulled the old "If you still want to see him in your world after what he said to me, go ahead, do what you want!" Sigh. I don't blame him for being furious, heck, even I was a bit taken aback! But I'm willing to let it slide (just this once) since Rook is so new to our fantasy world. Mark my words, no good can come of this!

Must go throw a load in the washer and finish putting away the Christmas decorations. I'll talk to soon.

Your Affectionate Friend,

Monday, January 03, 2005

Risky Business

My dearest Corwynne,

The Lord of the Rings Risk is quite possibly the greatest invention of the modern age. And it would not have been quite as great had you not been playing 1950's housewife making dinner and clearing away our mess. I thank you. It was great.

In other news, Leggs is confused again. I went to the settlement while we were driving home from your place. Everyone was asleep in the car so I figured they wouldn't miss me. I was wearing my new leaf pin. Leggs saw it. He looked puzzled for sometime then finally he succumed.
"I thought that pin was only given to members of the fellowship."
"It was" I replied
"Then how did you get one?"
"What do you mean? You were there when the elves gave it to me, same as you."
"No you weren't"
"Legolas, I was there the whole time....try looking behind you from time to time. You might not be as lucky next time it might be an orc instead of me."
He went away to try and remember if there was a tenth member of the fellowship that he had forgotten about.
He returned and told me that he knew I was joking because he had seen the movie as well and there is no one playing me.
I went on a tirade about how hollywood and the world was not ready to have a woman as a member of the fellowship and therefore the character of me was removed. I might have had him convinced but the look on his face made me laugh and the jig was up. But it was fun while it lasted.

Your affectionate friend,