Sunday, February 21, 2010

In Conclusion

My Dearest Kendrah,

Snowpocalypse has done its worst and after three days of cancelled classes, I had to return to my day job. Apologies for the delay in concluding my story.

Eventually the glory days of Pennsic ended and the King and I had to return to our duties in the White City. I never thought I’d say it, but Faramir deserves a promotion (or a new land grant or a nice war steed, or something!) By the time we returned he had managed to work everything out and things were returning to normal.

Faramir bravely overcame his superstitious dread and began a secret correspondence with Celeborn, putting forth our case.. In a rare moment of Book-Celeborn behavior, he put his foot down as head the household. He summoned Elrond, Thranduil and the “ladies” to a private Elf-Prince Counsel where “many matters of import” were discussed. From what I can tell it involved a stern lecture on the importance of proper behavior, a call for the return to more Novel-not Movie-like behavior, a reminder that Eldar are not Men and should not sink to their level (I think I’m a teensy bit insulted by that) and possibly a threat or two about white ships.

Once he saw which ways the gulls were flying, Thranduril sided with Celebron (suck-up). He’s a soft spot for the King ever since the whole Gollum affair. Elrond nodded a lot and said it was impossible to argue with the wisdom of Celeborn and wouldn’t it be better if we all just got along.

Celebron’s little family meeting worked. When they relised the three Elf-lords wouldn’t support their casue, Arwen and Gladders dropped the suit. Arwen slunk off to Imladris where I understand she’s been sulking in bowers embroidering unflattering tapestries depicting Celeborn’s side of the family. Elrond’s a bit ticked that Celeborn got all up on his high horse, but he seems pleased that his daughter is back where he can keep an eye on her. (he never really liked that she spent so much time with her grandmother) Rumor has it he’s trying to hook up Erestor and Arwen, but Erestor seems a bit resistant (can’t imagine why!)

Celeborn has been spending a great deal of time in the White City hanging out with the Sons (who want to be nowhere near Arwen at the moment) and bonding with Faramir. They became quite good friends during the affair. Faramir loves have a real live Elf King to discuss history with and Celeborn is delighted to spend time with someone who actually listens to him. Publically, Celeborn has declared that his visit is intended to increase Elf-Man understanding, but from the rumors I’ve heard he’s fled the Wood to avoid the wroth of Gladders. Doesn’t matter really, we’ve all been enjoying his company immensely.

So, things are back to normal. The servants are growing accustomed to the unusually large number of Elven nobility in the castle, the King is spending less time hunting (hiding!) in the mountains and even Eowyn and I are getting along. Once again the imaginary world is a comfortable escape from reality. Alas, this will pass as all things must, but for now I am enjoying the relative peace and quiet.

So that’s that. I do hope to hear from you soon. It’s been ages (not literally) since we’ve corresponded and I’ve missed our little letters!

Your Affectionate friend,

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Saga Continues

My Dearest Kendrah,

I’ve introduced the King to the joys of the electric blanket and he’s currently napping while pretending to read “Sigurd and Gudrun”. I’ve put a nice roast and some veggies in the crockpot. I’m sure he’ll be up for dinner!

Now, where was I?

Oh yes, the lawsuit.

Well, the Sons gave their warning and the King cursed quite a bit (mouth like a Corsair!) and Faramir became the voice of reason. He ordered some mutton and cheese, got everyone to calm down and have something to eat, and rushed back to the Library to research law codes.

Shortly thereafter, a Rider from Rivendell appeared to serve the papers. Seems Arwen is suing me for “Alienation of Affection” and the King for “Cruelty” and blaming me for the entire affair! She demands that he return to her immediately and that I pay a Dwarf’s ransom in restitution. WTF? Suddenly I'm in the middle of a bizarre Masterpiece Theatre period piece! Alienation of affection? Really? What's next? Running across a moor in a rainstorm? Threatening to throw oneself over a cliff? Falling in love with the taciturn butler? We are not amused (that is both the royal We and the first person plural we.)

In true Man fashion, the King suddenly “remembered” a roving band of Orcs harrowing sheep somewhere in the mountains, decided he had to attend to it at once and he and the Sons bolted form the city. Seriously? The guy who walked the Paths of the Dead and fought the Battle of Mt Doom without a helm running away from a piece of paper! Geesh!

Anyway, Faramir emerged from the Tower a few days later, trailed by a flock of pages bearing manuscripts. He had determined that by law and custom, the suit was entirely frivolous. First off, there is no court in Arda that’s going to touch this case. Elrond has decided to remove himself from the situation because his kid is involved (cop-out!), Gladders is named as a co-plaintiff (something a missing family heirloom ) and Thranduil isn’t taking sides. (Seriously, if you were in his position, would you want to get on the wrong side of either of those two?) According to Faramir, Elf courts have no jurisdiction in Gondor, and none of the courts of Men want to deal with Elf-relations. (Divine Right Monarchy does have some benefits)

So Faramir commenced his letter writing campaign to have the case dismissed claiming that since the King and Arwen were never actually married, or even legally betrothed, she should just get over herself and move on. (He was a bit more elegant that). In the mean time, the King is off Orc hunting, I spend weeks shouting “No Comment” to anyone who looks at me funny AND I still have to pack for Pennsic. Faramir assured me that he would handle the situation and that I should, perhaps, take a vacation in the Real World while he sorts it all out. (Fortunately the restraining order preventing Arwen from crossing into my reality is still in effect)

So off I go to Pennsic (which is only mostly the Real World) and proceed to drink a great deal of Hop Wallup. As you know, the King eventually returned from his Orc Hunt and joined me. He had a lovely time (Oh, blessed restraining order!). He really enjoyed the party in camp and the wine tasting, especially the drunken puppy pile of well dressed ladies ;-) We were disappointed that the Sons didn’t join us, but they hung out with Faramir and let Eowyn fawn on them.

He was really amused by Saints Brook and Cam as they “escorted” the drunken Eric around the lake (retarded monkeys painted that!). He hopes that they will be able to join him at the next Ranger Reunion for some “real” drinking. I don’t even want to think about it. (I doubt Deana does either.)

He was quite pleased at some of the plans we made for camp improvements. He has quite a few suggestions. He’s also looking forward to a new pavilion and to baking bread in the stone oven (who knew he’d go all domestic?) He was also impressed by your individually wrapped dinner packets. He’s planning to introduce aluminum foil to the Rangers (though it does smack a bit of “technology” and everyone’s still a bit shy of that since the Saruman incident). Oh, and he wanted me to ask you if he can stay with us in our big girl tent this coming year. I told him it would be fine as long as he didn’t leave his leathers lying all over the place, but he wanted to make sure you were ok with it.

Anyway, Pennsic was a welcome relief from the pressure of the lawsuit and the nagging of Elven females and we both enjoyed our vacation.

Argh! The King needs me to get the Roku working for him. He’s in the middle of watching Fraggle Rock and trying to determine if Fraggles are in anyway related to Hobbits. He thinks there might be a paper in it. Everyone needs a hobby!

Well, I’m going to deal with that. I’ll fill you in on the rest of story as soon as I can.

Your Affectionate Friend,

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Breaking the Silence

My Dearest Kendrah,

Well, it has been a while since I’ve written. As you know, it is the policy of the Crown not to comment on pending legal actions, and so I have had to be quite circumspect in our conversations over the past few months. Now that everything is settled, my representatives have agreed that I can discuss the unfortunate events of the past summer freely. It won’t get me a guest spot on Jon Stewart like South Carolina First Lady Jenny Sanford and her new book, but believe me, the Gondorian tabloids are having a field day!

Let me back up a bit. In the weeks before Pennsic I was, as usual, busy dealing with the end of Pre-College, packing, and cooking, not to mention all those last minute items Faramir always comes up with right before the King and I are about to head off on vacation. I swear he does it deliberately! Anyway, there I am in the Tower Library with the Steward inspecting the new pipe smoking lounge we’ve constructed (far away from ancient, priceless and irreplaceable manuscripts), when we heard a terrible a ruckus in the yard. Up through gates come the Sons (Elladan and Elrohir, not your boys) riding like bats out of Angband!

We bolted down the stairs to find Elrond’s boys in a conversation with the King using some of the most “indelicate” Elven words I’ve ever heard. You haven’t heard swearing until you’ve heard a couple of High Elves cursing like sailors! The King gives us one of those imperial waves of his and Faramir and I follow the three of them into Elessar’s private study (Man-cave). The King calls for ale so I get everyone a drink, get the Son’s out of their cloaks and sitting down and they start in on the story. Now I love a good story and a good Elvish story is even better (Sometimes I have Bilbo moments) but they were talking really fast apparently forgetting that some of us in the room we not native speakers of Sindarin. Eventually, Faramir and I pieced together the saga and it’s not pretty.

It seems that Arwen (the King’s Elf-ex, not the child) had returned from her imposed “rest” in a secure, private facility, and decided to spend the summer with Grandma. Now, we know how Gladders feels about me, so you can imagine the conversations the two of them had. After a few months with the Elf-Witch, Arwen appears in Rivendell and spends several weeks loudly announcing to anyone who would listen that she won’t stand this treatment any longer. She followed the Sons around trying to get them tell her WHY the King broke up her, and when they wouldn’t cough up anything useful, she took whining to any Elf or random Ranger she could find. Rangers are really good at keeping secrets when it comes to Rings and Dark Lords and such, but they love good old-fashioned domestic gossip! You know how rumors get started. The Rivendell press corp has always been very good to me (Thanks to Elrond!), but that trashy rag the Eldar Anor picked up the story. Next thing you know, it’s worse than Brangelina and Jen. Splattered all over the front pages are stories about the poor Elven Princess and how badly she’s been treated by these horrid Men!

The Sons had had enough of her whining and were packing their bags to spend a few years in Mirkwood when they heard the news. It seems Arwen had decided to sue the King and I! Yes, that’s right, SUE! They hurriedly changed their plans and headed for the White City instead to warn us.

Drat! I have to go! The King is shouting something about Snowpocalypse and telling me I need to come and watch the storm warnings on the Palantir Box. Ugh! He probably just needs more coco. I promise to continue my tale soon.

Your Affectionate Friend,