Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Do you want me to put the food out on the tub?

My Dearest Corwynne,

I am glad to hear that the King is taking the wait and see approach to this PJ business. Not because I think it will work, but because the holidays are already so very busy that it is nice not to have to worry about hobbit-lord kidnapping and the like.

I knew that you would be away during the holidays and sent Leggs to the white city to keep an eye on Eowyn. He has always felt that her motivations for marrying the Steward were a bit suss. He has reported that she did try some flirting with the king, he was too wassailing to take notice.

I spent some time with my own family this past week. We had a nice gathering at my parent's house which included dinner and many pressies. It also included a interesting moment for Leggs. He was having difficulty dealing with so many children gathered in one place when my father called out to my mother saying "Do you want me to put the food out on the tub?" Leggs' eyes widened, then he squinted, shook his head in dismay and then he was gone. In the long run, it was probably for the best that he left before we brought out the Christmas wheelchair. He did not return to my parent's house that night and the next day would only say that the settlement had many things needing his attention, so would I mind attending my remaining "jesusmas" festivities alone. Well, at least he tried...

Your affectionate friend,

Logan and the Christmas Wheelchair

Sunday, December 24, 2006


My Dearest Kendrah,

Well. That certainly explains a great deal. I think we need to cut off Leggs's "Law and Order:Criminal Intent" viewing. I KNOW elves are cunning and all, but this is starting to get a teensy bit scary!

The king is still playing te wait and see game with the studios, but he is confident all will work out for the best in the end. I reminded him that sitting around waiting to see what happened may not have been the best course of action while dealing with the Necromancer, but he just sighed at me and went back to reading. That's the trouble with people with a a "Destiny"...they think it will always work out for the best. But sometimes the best for Middle Earth is NOT what one would desire for himself (or for PJ). Just ask Frodo! In any case, we are in a holding pattern until further notice.

All is going well for our Yule preparations. We begin our Twelve Nights on the solstice, rather than on Christmas (Our world being much less allegorical than say NARNIA!) And it helps to incorporate The Rohirrim tradtions as well. We've put Eowyn in charge of the Yule Log and so far she's doing a bang-up job. Since I'm spending tonight and tomorrow with my brothers and won't be available for drinking and singing in the Great Hall of the White City, I wanted to make sure the Steward's Wife had something to keep her busy. Sometimes, if I'm gone for too long, she starts putting the moves on the king again! Honestly! After all these years you'd think she'd get the point.

Well, I need to run and bake bread for dinner at my brothers and get a fesh batch of wassail in the pot for Aragorn's shindig. Hope all is well with you and the Sons. Enjoy your holiday!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Friday, December 15, 2006

The Return of....

My Dearest Corwynne,

I have had a very productive few weeks since I last wrote and I think I have everything figured out. In between Christmas shopping and taking care of the sons, I have spent as much time in the settlement as possible playing detective. I would set up my loom, for making replacement trim and listen to all the conversations around me. Once I had a good idea what had happened I confronted Leggs to get confirmation and to have him fill in the details. Once he saw that I had figured everything out, he was quite forthcoming.

So what ha-happened was this. A small group of elders got together and concocted this plan. I like to call them the elder-elders (along the line of Mrs. Mrs. Cooper, but I digress). In short, their plan was to kidnap the short of the Ians and make the switch with Bilbo. They sent word to Bilbo and set the plan in motion. Leggs decided that there shouldn’t be an obvious settlement hand in this, so he contacted someone from reality to do the deed. It is the Return of the King, no that not it, the Return of the Jedi? Nope. The Return of Billindalt! Remember him? Apparently, the E-E (not to be confused with the EE or the ESSF) felt that he was perfect for the job. 1. He is now 17 and has a car. 2. He is still very interested in securing a place for himself in the settlement. And 3. He is young enough that he can be manipulated and if caught might escape adult punishment from the legal establishment.

Leggs struck a deal with our boy Billy. If he were to kidnap Sir Ian and hold him until the switch could be made with Bilbo, he could accompany Sir Ian to the settlement. Once there he would be given the position of Younger Elder. In this position he would replace the first Elder to die on the counsel. (Obviously, Billy boy doesn’t know much about the life span of an elf.) He accepted and put his own plan into action.

His plan was simple and as most simple plans it worked. Mostly. He managed to sneak onto his property and into his home. Apparently his home is not overly guarded. He got in quietly while Ian was sleeping and just rolled him up in a carpet, just like a three stooge’s movie and hauled him back to his mother’s house. This is where things went wrong for Billindalt. His mother is a fastidious woman who would tidy his room each day while he was at school. So on the Monday following the kidnapping she discovered a tiny British man in his closet.

Sir Ian, in spite of his ordeal, was an understanding man. He explained that he had actually been expecting something of this sort to happen to himself or another member of the cast. He just hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. In return for his promise not press charges against her son, Mrs. Dalton released the hobbit like man. And so far he has kept his promise.

As for Billindalt, Leggs has explained that the deal that they had was only good on completion of the task and that Billy is still not welcome in the settlement. Little does he know that even if he had not failed, the plan was doomed to fail. Leggs received word from Bilbo, refusing his request to take part in this scheme. He said that the tale of this tale must be told in it’s own way….

So, there you have it. The E-E’s failed plan. They now think that perhaps this should be handled through official channels and await word from the King. Ahhh, elves.

Your affectionate friend,

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I'm Still Alive

My Dearest Kendrah,

I am FINALLY catching up on all of my correspondance and realize I have been quite tardy in replying to you latest letter.

Let's see...what's been going on...

Aragorn is becoming quite concerned Legg's response to the Hobbit situation. Now the king is trying to concoct a counterplot to whatever plot Legg's and Co. may or may not have contrived to resolve the issue. If we're lucky, they'll just brood at each other and leave the rest of us out of it!

I was so happy to see Mithtrandir when he finally arrived. Fortunately, he still has Faramir's ear, together the counseled patience to the king. This seems to be where we stand now. Aragorn has assured the varous delegations that he would personally speak with PJ and send delegations to New Line and MGM. I worry that there isn't whimsy or imagination left in Hollywood, and that the film execs will be unable to see our invisible ambassadors, but at least the Dwarves seem satisfied that the Crown is taking steps to defend their interests (and profit shares) in any upcoming film. And I am pleased to say that the Dwarven delegates (all those who weren't passed out drunk with Gimli, anyway)have returned to their various caves and mountains to await word. Thranduil is still a bit of an issue and is threatening to take some sort of legal action, but I don't think the claims of an Elven king have much of chance in a court of Men. And now we wait and see what happens.

In real-world news, my week of hell has ended and work is eerily quiet. I plan to take off next week. Will you and the Sons be able to join us over the holidays? Faramir is trying to get the king's appointment calendar arranged and keeps bugging me about our plans. Tom and Bill will be around the week after Christmas, so maybe we can coordinate visits.

I put my tree up over the weekend and got ornaments up last night. We'll see how many are still on the tree when I get home. I caught Leo with a stuffed Santa in his mouth when I got up this morning. I'm going to babysit Buford this weekend while Kathryn and Andrew are out of town. I think we'll have fun. I don't have "Fight Club on DVD, so I hope he's ok with watching "A Christmas Carol" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" after our naps on the couch.

Well, I have to dash. I still have a pile of Yule cards to get out to the Shire and Rohan. Hope all is well with you!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Friday, December 01, 2006

Uh-Oh is right!

My Dearest Corwynne,

It seems that since my little "vacation" from the settlement, the elves have gotten out of the habbit of keeping me informed of their plans. When I recieved you latest letter I contacted Leggs immediately to let him know that their plan had been stolen. All he did was smirk and say "No, it hasn't." And then he popped away. I am afraid it might have been them.

Since many websites don't allow access to certain pages forever, I decided to copy the evidence and forward it on to you. I figure we might need it to mount some sort of defense if they are caught. Thank goodness no one reads our letters, or else the secret might get out.

Your affectionate friend,


My Dearest Kendrah,

Apparently someone was thinking along the same lines as Leggs and Company!


Perhaps they should consider a rescue mission instead! Poor old Bilbo!

In any case, I have to meet a Hobbit delegation in a few minutes. Who would have guessed that Merry would be the ringleader of the Hobbit protests. OK, I suppose book Merry is a more likely ringleader than movie Merry. Drat! Once again I was seduced by the carefree, not-so-bright Movie Merry and underestimated the formidable Brandybuck line!

I'm starting to think Movie Merry was a deliberate plot initiated by old Saradoc (and possibly PJ) to lure us into thinking Merry was a simple provincial dolt. He's cute, funny, mostly harmless and then BAM! Book Merry makes an appearance, cunning plans are revealed and Gondor is caught with its pants down!

At least Pippin is still under contract with the Tower Guard so we have a Took in our corner!

Ugh...Faramir is knocking on door, apparently the Halflings have arrived. Wish me luck. More later...

Your Affectionate Friend,