Wednesday, April 26, 2006


My Dearest Kendrah,

First I must offer my apologies. You were correct. I had not received the proper clearance from Transreality Licensing Board before I began blending multiple realities. Let me assure you that from now on, the proper paperwork will be filed and approved before I attempt another such merging. You know how I love my paperwork!

You are indeed quite good at determining who actually exists. It was your mother who was uncertain of Deana’s existence. And my brother’s as well, if I recall. Can I help it if my kin use words like “smallclothes” in their everyday speech?

I’ve been sitting here at the office waiting for the show to end. I’ve decided Aragorn does NOT need to see “Equus”. Sure it’s a modern classic, but he gets so uptight around nudity! He’s popping in this weekend so I’m sending him to see “As You Like It” instead. Shakespeare is more up his alley and I think he’ll enjoy it. I have to keep him occupied somehow while I’m working. I was hoping he would head out to the back yard and plant my tomatoes for me, but he was less than enthusiastic...kept muttering about his unfamiliarity with the real Pittsburgh growing season. Frankly, I think the Pittsburgh growing season is pretty unreal anyway. I had to bring seven pots of pansies in the house last night because it was approaching freezing! For Eru’s sake, it’s almost May!

Well, I just heard applause, which means the show is ending. I’m off to pick up program litter and head on home. Huzzah!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Realities Collide.

My Dearest Corwynne,

I am looking forward to planning the wedding with Deana. Actually, I have never doubted her realness. As a matter of fact, I believe that I have been correct each time I have been pressed to determine if someone is real or not. I don't mean to brag, it is just a natural talent.

The lateness of your response is completely understandable. This is a very busy and important time in your life. Preparing for a wedding, be it real or imaginary, can be an emotionally draining experience. However, what it does not excuse is the use of slang from two completely unrelated universe in the same sentence. I think that we have become lax in following proper procedure for reality jumping and we don't want to get careless. Saying "gorram"* and "smeghead"* in the same sentence will most likely have no effect on the fabric of space and time but it is just a small jump from that to having Lister captain Serenity while Mal takes a vacation on the Enterprise. I just think we must be careful or we will have our reality license suspended, and that would put a damper on the wedding.

Well, there is nothing much to report here. Let me know as soon as I can be of use in the planning department.

Your affectionate friend,

*These words are being used with the permission of the transreality licensing board.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I'm Alive!

Dearest Kendrah,

First, on behalf of Aragorn and myself, I heartily thank you for the long-ago congratulatory note. I’m certain the lack of response from my other reality friends and acquaintances is merely their fear of encouraging me to bestow upon them lavish gifts. Obviously, now that it’s official, they fear their notes of congratulations could be misconstrued as poor attempts to curry favor. Aragorn and I both appreciate your offer of assistance with the wedding and reception plans. Deana, who you may or may not believe is real, has offered to assist you in anyway necessary. I will be certain to pass along her phone and email information.

Secondly, I must apologize for the lateness of my response. I could blame inter-dimensional paths washed away by spring storms, or the disruption of my schedule caused by escorting hordes of Gondorian school children on tours of the White Tower during spring break season, or the numerous engagements parties I’ve been forced to attend…but I won’t. I suppose I could blame the smeg-heads of Red Dwarf for being so gorram funny I can’t pull myself away from the DVDs, but I won’t do that either. I will simply say that reality work is hell, and the sooner I’m Queen and won’t have to walk anymore, the better.

Moving on, other than work, things seem to moving along well. Spring is here, the birds are singing and I’ve trimmed my rosebush. (No, that is not a metaphor for something naughty!) I’ve been trying to get the house in some sort of order, but I’m feeling pretty lazy about it. I’ve tried to enlist the aid of a few royal retainers, but none of them seem interested in cleaning my basement, digging my garden or washing my sheets. Personally, I think most of them are just afraid of electricity! The next two weeks are going to be mad busy at work…two shows opening next week and one the week after. At least it will all be over May 7! Of course, pre-college is just around the corner, but I don’t want to worry about that quite yet.

Aragorn is really looking forward to War Practice this year. He’s already filled out his registration form!! He was thinking of bringing Eomer along. He asked Faramir, but all he got from him was a lecture of how important it is to have a figure of authority in Minis Tirith when the king goes off gallivanting, so the steward is staying home.

Well, it’s time to take the curtains out of the drier. I might even pick up in the bedroom a bit, if I’m still feeling ambitious. But I do have two unwatched episodes of Red Dwarf…

Take care!

Your Affectionate Friend,

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Letter of Congratulation

My Dearest Corwynne,

I know it has taken me a long time to reply to your engagement. But it is not entirely my fault. First I had to recover from all the New Year's celebrations. They do take their toll. Then Leggs insisted that the letter of congratulations must be "of an official nature". So that letter, the one for the archives is enclosed. But for my part, I would like to unofficially say that it is about frickin' time and that I hope the ring is something you get to keep instead of have kept for you with the other royal jewels.

Hope you enjoy the official letter.

Your affectionate friend,

To His Royal Majesty, King of Gondor, Friend to the West
To Her Future Royal Majesty, Queen of Gondor, Friend to Reality,

We would like to offer the official congratulation of the Elvish Settlement and all its inhabitants. We have waited long for this glorious day to arrive. We have known the trial and tribulations that have, at times, made it seem that this day would not come. And you cannot underestimate our joy at the news that all has been overcome and the event is now a certainty. Know that we will remain you loyal and faithful servants.

Yours in service,
Legolas, Prince of the Woodland Elves
Kendrah, Prince's Consort
and your servants in the Settlement.